Heads up

Have you ever felt as if life is just whizzing by you and somehow you're not in the picture?  As if you're waiting on something to happen and it just isn't? Then you wonder what exactly is going on and why is this happening?  Somehow your expectations it seems of what your life should be is not amounting to what you want.  I feel ya!  I'm right there on that page, a mix hodge-podge of emotions that careens right through my brain, I sometimes feel like a sixteen year old again!


But when I remember being sixteen and those awkward moments of not knowing where your life is going, what your dreams really should be, and what you really want out of life other than to sleep, eat and hang out with your friends talking about boys! (hope my 10 year old doesn't see this one!) And I really do know that no, I'm not like a sixteen year old ("The lady dost protest too much, me thinks" lol!) but rather, I'm just still in that awkward place of being.  I'm trying so hard not to be a cliche! Here I am mother of three, grandmother of one, and sometimes it's as if I am still that sixteen year old!

Life has it's ups and down. There are times when the different things that goes on in my life makes me feel as vulnerable as I can be.  Take for example my recent incident with someone who just didn't want to be around me just because I was black. Yep, in this day and age, it happened to me while I was with my 10 year old.  It was a shock, a nasty rude awakening shock that made me feel as naked as the day I was born and quite vulnerable.  Then I felt anger at the gall of some people who feel they can go around and try to exhibit such power over you!  Then there's the episode of someone who you think is a friend, who seemingly only wants to be with you to emotionally unload and being the sensitive soul I am, my empathetic spirit reaches out and I am emotionally connected. Then you get the cold shoulder of avoidance?! Then there's the slap-in-the-face reality that where I am career-wise is what I love doing, but the powers of indifference raises its ugly head one time too many!  It seems that no matter how I am or what I do, you are in a box with a lid that you will not be allowed to get out of!

I consider myself to be an optimist, and I love interacting with people. It is in my nature to encourage others, to empathize with them, and to sometimes give a little advice if I can, having lived for over 40 years (I did tell you my age in one of my blogs...not repeating it!lol!), It's who I am.  Over the last four years I've come to realize that I am not where I want to be, especially since I'm guiding and encouraging my children with their own life-goals and not to be in my shoe when they are my age, it's as if I have been in a daze. I didn't realize that the death of my father and subsequently, that of my mother's took such a toll on me. Couple that with other life events that have had me reeling, I've just been dealing with daily life and coasting!

This is my heads up, to you dear reader, if you want it, but especially for me, because life is short, I've only got one to live, (although I do believe in re-incarnation...we'll discuss another time!) and I must live life to its fullest! I cannot let what others do, how they think and how they feel about me negatively impact me! I promise myself to end the emotional rampage on my psyche from anyone who wants to make me feel lesser than who I know I am!  Plan the life you want, no matter how difficult and live it to your expectations!