I'm in such a mood today. What is it about Wednesdays I wonder? There are the great "Hump Days", and there are the not so great ones, you know, when you find yourself dragging over that hump! Somehow in the middle of the work week (my work week) I feel as if I'm on a roller coaster ride, or even on a surf board riding the waves, as it ebbs and flows. I'm trying to break out of this mood. I go from feeling spirited after motivating myself into feeling better, then to feeling like the world is on my shoulder. Do you ever get this way dear reader?
I find that I've been thinking about my mom a lot these past weeks. I don't know if it's because I'm at the age I am now, 47, (yes, I told you!lol!) or if it's because it's almost Mother's Day? Or even the fact that my children are getting older and I'm not getting any younger?! Ha! That's an "Ha" of OMG (Oh My Goodness!) proportions because I know as time goes by they get older and independent, thank God; and of course, I get older and begin to think about what my life has been and what it will be as I get closer to the big 5-0, 6-0 and hope to see even farther beyond those years!
I think about my mom and dad, mommy and daddy as we called them. I remember the good times and how hard they worked to keep a roof over our heads. I remember how much they loved us and showed their love, not by saying it or giving hugs...they didn't learn to be that way from their parents and perhaps that's just a Jamaican thing, but by being good parents in actions and deeds instead. Always being there for us when we needed them, even to the day they both died. I remember getting on an airplane and crying as the plane took off, knowing that I will miss my mom and dad, that I will miss my siblings even more. Sometimes I do wonder why I did that? Because my mom wanted me to of course. She wanted to give me the opportunity at a better life. I wonder if I have lived up to her expectations? I won't lie that life continues to be a struggle. It's one that I continue to work at as I get older. I find that at the age I am right now that I am growing into the woman I want to be. I am learning to love myself for who I am, learning to let go of what the expectations of the shoulda's, coulda's, and the what might have been's; and even more, I'm learning to let go of what anyone else thinks! It is my life after all, and I will live it the way it works for me. Although that is sometimes more easily said than done, I strive for this every day that I wake up and start my day.
As my children get older, I hope that I have taught them in a good way. I hope that as my mom and dad did for me (and my siblings) that we, (hubby and I) are being the parents that our children are proud to have. We are not perfect, but we love them and want only the best for them, as any parent should! We're not exactly like the Donald Trump's of the world, nor do we try to keep up with the Jones. We have made our lives as it is and will continue to make it even better, with a little help from above.
As another Mother's Day rolls around, I do think about mommy alot, and I am thankful that I had a mother like her. Strict yet loving and accepting of each of us. Unknowingly, the day before she died, I sat on the bed with her because she asked me to. I had come home from work and I wasn't feeling well. I laid beside her with the window blind open looking through the window at the scenery, as she played with my hair. She told me how proud she was of each of us, my siblings and I and that she was happy that she was able to come and visit with me. I wanted so much to have her get back home to see my siblings, wishing that they too had had their final moment with her. We reminisced about childhood times, laughing at my antics as a baby. I remembered that my mother was with me in New York, when the World Trade Center fell, remembering how frantic she was with me being eight months pregnant at the time, couldn't get home, wondering if I was safe. I was happy she was with me for the birth of our third child, helping with her care, and being here with us in Florida.
I have dreamt her happy and laughing and dancing, wearing her favorite red dress, (that I had no idea existed!), looking for a pair of red dancing shoes which she found and went merrily on her way! I have dreamt her being an angel, and I know she is now happily elsewhere. She (and dad) stops by from time to time in my dreams. As time passes, and her face begins to drift from the forefront of my mind, all I have to do is look at her photographs, to see her smiling face. I know that my siblings and I were loved, and will never forget our darling mother.
I find that I've been thinking about my mom a lot these past weeks. I don't know if it's because I'm at the age I am now, 47, (yes, I told you!lol!) or if it's because it's almost Mother's Day? Or even the fact that my children are getting older and I'm not getting any younger?! Ha! That's an "Ha" of OMG (Oh My Goodness!) proportions because I know as time goes by they get older and independent, thank God; and of course, I get older and begin to think about what my life has been and what it will be as I get closer to the big 5-0, 6-0 and hope to see even farther beyond those years!
I think about my mom and dad, mommy and daddy as we called them. I remember the good times and how hard they worked to keep a roof over our heads. I remember how much they loved us and showed their love, not by saying it or giving hugs...they didn't learn to be that way from their parents and perhaps that's just a Jamaican thing, but by being good parents in actions and deeds instead. Always being there for us when we needed them, even to the day they both died. I remember getting on an airplane and crying as the plane took off, knowing that I will miss my mom and dad, that I will miss my siblings even more. Sometimes I do wonder why I did that? Because my mom wanted me to of course. She wanted to give me the opportunity at a better life. I wonder if I have lived up to her expectations? I won't lie that life continues to be a struggle. It's one that I continue to work at as I get older. I find that at the age I am right now that I am growing into the woman I want to be. I am learning to love myself for who I am, learning to let go of what the expectations of the shoulda's, coulda's, and the what might have been's; and even more, I'm learning to let go of what anyone else thinks! It is my life after all, and I will live it the way it works for me. Although that is sometimes more easily said than done, I strive for this every day that I wake up and start my day.
As my children get older, I hope that I have taught them in a good way. I hope that as my mom and dad did for me (and my siblings) that we, (hubby and I) are being the parents that our children are proud to have. We are not perfect, but we love them and want only the best for them, as any parent should! We're not exactly like the Donald Trump's of the world, nor do we try to keep up with the Jones. We have made our lives as it is and will continue to make it even better, with a little help from above.
As another Mother's Day rolls around, I do think about mommy alot, and I am thankful that I had a mother like her. Strict yet loving and accepting of each of us. Unknowingly, the day before she died, I sat on the bed with her because she asked me to. I had come home from work and I wasn't feeling well. I laid beside her with the window blind open looking through the window at the scenery, as she played with my hair. She told me how proud she was of each of us, my siblings and I and that she was happy that she was able to come and visit with me. I wanted so much to have her get back home to see my siblings, wishing that they too had had their final moment with her. We reminisced about childhood times, laughing at my antics as a baby. I remembered that my mother was with me in New York, when the World Trade Center fell, remembering how frantic she was with me being eight months pregnant at the time, couldn't get home, wondering if I was safe. I was happy she was with me for the birth of our third child, helping with her care, and being here with us in Florida.
I have dreamt her happy and laughing and dancing, wearing her favorite red dress, (that I had no idea existed!), looking for a pair of red dancing shoes which she found and went merrily on her way! I have dreamt her being an angel, and I know she is now happily elsewhere. She (and dad) stops by from time to time in my dreams. As time passes, and her face begins to drift from the forefront of my mind, all I have to do is look at her photographs, to see her smiling face. I know that my siblings and I were loved, and will never forget our darling mother.
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